Often a goal of marriage and relationship education is to increase the assertiveness and active listening skills of one or both partners

Based on research, PREPARE/ENRICH has discovered that there is a positive cycle linking assertiveness and self-confidence and a negative cycle linking avoidance and perceived dominance.

In the positive cycle, as a person uses more assertiveness, their level of self-confidence tends to increase. As a person’s self-confidence increases, their willingness and ability to be more assertive increases.

In the negative cycle, when one person perceives their partner as dominating, a common reaction is for that person to avoid dealing with issues. As a person uses more avoidance, they will often perceive more dominance in their partner.

Consider this fictional couple who have taken the PREPARE/ENRICH couple inventory: Daniel and Maria.

Their Relationship Dynamics indicates low assertiveness for Daniel and high assertiveness for Maria. Daniel also tends to minimise issues (high avoidance) and is reluctant to deal with them directly, while Maria is generally able to identify and discuss issues they are having in their relationship. As a result, Daniel feels controlled in their lives together (high in partner dominance) and has lower self-confidence.

This type of relationship outlines what often occurs, is the positive cycle between Assertiveness and Self Confidence for Maria and the negative cycle between Avoidance and Partner Dominance for Daniel. As Maria tends to be more assertive, her level of self-confidence is likely to remain high or increase. As her self-confidence increases, her willingness and ability to be more assertive increases. On the flip side, as Daniel is likely to perceive Maria as dominate, a common reaction is to avoid dealing with issues. As Daniel uses more avoidance, he will perceive more dominance in their relationship by Maria as her self-confidence and willingness and ability to be more assertive is likely to remain high and/or increase.

Through improving assertiveness and active listening skills of both Daniel and Maria, Daniel's self-confidence is likely to increase and his willingness and ability to be more assertive will also increase. This increase in assertiveness, in turn also tends to decrease avoidance and perceived partner dominance.

Marriage and Relationship Education is a learning opportunity, much like you would do in any other important life event. Check out the video for couples on YouTube: https://youtu.be/xyuUl-JnIhM.

Tune in next week for more discussion about relationships and mental health. 

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Written by Shane Smith